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Five Things to avoid doing with children in Divorce
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Five Things to Avoid with Children in Divorce

When getting divorced as a parent, our children take an outsized role in the process. We want to make decisions that are the best for them – the school they’ll attend, where they’ll live and who with. However, what you do during the divorce can have an even bigger impact on your kids than the final divorce judgement. In fact more trauma results fr0m the high-conflict divorce process than the eventual separation itself. With that in mind, here are five things to avoid with your children to help them get through the process!

Avoid Uprooting the Children

When you begin a divorce, your children are experiencing a loss of the family unit they’ve come to know. While they aren’t losing you or their other parent, they are losing the future they had in mind. Compounding that loss by moving the child a significant difference, changing schools or otherwise uprooting them from places and people familiar to them can exacerbate the issue. If you must move, try to space out the changes so they have more time to absorb them and adapt.

Don’t Attack or Insult your Spouse in Front of Them

You might not feel like you love your spouse anymore, but your children probably still do. Attacking or otherwise denigrating your ex-wife or husband when your children are around can damage their relationship with that spouse, but also can hurt their relationship with you. No one likes to see their parent attacked, and while it is easy to speak in the moment without thinking, those words can have a very long-term impact.

Try not to Use your Kids to Communicate with your Spouse

Sometimes it makes sense to limit your communication with your spouse to avoid conflict. However a common result is an attempt to communicate through your children – passing along messages or notes when changing which house they are staying at, for example. This places your children at the heart of your conflict with your spouse and should always be avoided. Find a trusted friend or adult family member to help you communicate if conflict is that bad, but never your kids.

Do not Withhold Placement to a Non-Custodial Parent

Things sometimes go wrong during a divorce, and it’s easy and understandable to get angry. Never let that anger boil over to the point that you refuse visitation or placement for your spouse. Short of immediate risks to your children, your kids do best with a relationship with both parents. Visitation time when custody isn’t shared is especially important. Withholding placement can land you with a fine, but even worse, it hurts your children by depriving them of time with a parent.

Never Let your Children Act as your Caretaker

We have spoken before about the importance of self-care during the divorce process. You have to take care of yourself, because if not it may fall to your children to do so. Even using your children to vent to and complain about the divorce process can cause them unnecessary stress, anxiety and pain. Take care of yourself so that you can continue to be a caretaker to your children and non the other way around.

Want a more affordable, healthier divorce than court litigation? Click here to learn more about the many benefits of divorce mediation.

Family Law Myths: Divorce Doesn't Affect Kids in College
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Divorce Affects Kids in College

Family Law Myths: Divorce Doesn't Affect Kids in College

 

It’s pretty common for married couples to wait to divorce until their kids are all out of the house and in college. You might think they are now independent and too busy studying or enjoying themselves to worry about your marriage. Since they don’t need you on a daily basis anymore, it feels like there is a safe amount of distance to protect them. However the truth is that divorce affects kids in college just as much as anyone else, just in different ways. Being aware of these effects can help you minimize and correct for them to do the best possible for your kids. Ignoring the risk can let it grow and cause your college kids even greater harm.

College is a New Form of Independence

With new freedom comes new responsibilities. The first year of college can be extremely stressful for new students. Making new friends, doing well in classes, supporting themselves with a job or internship…. it all gets overwhelming. This is a far cry from what most parents think – my kid will be so busy having so much fun, they won’t think of home. To the contrary, thinking of home may be just the thing that helps them succeed… which brings me to my next point.

Parents, Though Far Away, Are Still a Source of Security

Whether you live in town or a thousand miles away, parents remain a key source of security for college students. Your home and family relationships serve as a marker of stability amid the craziness of college. Coming home for a weekend, or even just giving parents a call goes a long way in helping them feel in control. When the stability of home breaks down during high-conflict divorces, it can leave the student totally adrift, with no stability or security at home to fall back on.

Divorce can Sow Anxiety About Family & Finishing School

When your parents get divorced, the end of their marriage is only one thing to worry about. Many times the impacts of a divorce spillover into other areas of your life – will your financial situation require your son to come home and help support the family? How will it impact your children’s relationships with one another? A divorce affects your kids by sowing doubt and anxiety beyond family matters, including school, work and friends. Don’t forget to address these impacts and discuss them with your college kids.

Adult Children Hear More Details, Good & Bad

One impact of divorce on college kids is largely self-created. It is natural to tell our adult children far more details than when they were younger. We feel they can handle tough topics with their newly developed emotional maturity. However sharing too much can cause kids unnecessary pain and anxiety. Whenever you can, fight the urge to vent or complain to college-aged kids. When you are visiting them at school or they are home for the weekend, the last thing they want to hear is one parent complain about the other. Focus on your kids, and remember that they may look like adults they are still your children at heart.

If you want to do everything you can to limit the impact of divorce on your kids, consider divorce mediation. It is the healthier, more affordable alternative to a litigated divorce with attorneys.

Want a more affordable, healthier divorce than court litigation? Click here to learn more about the many benefits of divorce mediation.

Why is Divorce so Expensive

Why is Divorce so Expensive?

Why is Divorce so Expensive? Divorce isn’t easy, but many people are surprised to find it isn’t cheap either. In Wisconsin, the average litigated divorce costs $11,300 per party. If you have children, that average cost shoots up to $16,900 per person. As an average, your cost could be lower, but it could be much higher. In extremely difficult litigated divorces, attorney fees upward of $30,000-$40,000 aren’t unheard of it. So what makes divorce so expensive? It comes down to the length of your divorce, level of conflict, and number of complicating issues. Let’s explore each in detail.

A Lengthy Litigated Divorce is an Expensive Divorce

Nearly all family law attorneys are paid on an hourly basis. Whenever they work on your case drafting documents, speaking to the other attorney or Court, or researching your case, your bill is getting bigger. By definition then, the longer you take in your divorce and the less helpful you are, the more you’ll spend paying attorney fees. For example, if you don’t get back to your attorney promptly, they may make other attempts to get the info you need without you. While it costs you nothing to track down your records, letting your attorney do it will cost $210 an hour. If you force your attorney to spend time emailing, calling, and otherwise tracking you down, you’re paying for their effort, literally. The more helpful you can be in supplying information, records and other help, the quicker the process will go and the less you will spend.

Communication Can Be Costly

We all want to know what’s happening with our case and what progress has been made. However with an attorney, you still pay the hourly fee for meetings, phone calls and emails. The more you reach out to your attorney, the more you will spend. This isn’t the case with all divorces. In divorce mediation, communication is included free with the process – no hourly fees apply to emails or calls with the Divorce Mediator. With an attorney, you have to balance your need for information and answers to your questions with the cost of every call you make or email you send.

More Conflict Leads to Bigger Bills

One influence on divorce costs that you can help influence is the level of conflict. Any litigated divorce is inherently confrontational to a degree, however the more conflict involved, the more you typically will pay in attorney’s fees. Every time you file a motion in retaliation for something your spouse does, file for contempt, send a nasty email or text, or otherwise further conflict, you pay… either directly through attorney fees now, or down the road through a slower, more drawn out process. They respond to your motion, your respond in kind, and you both owe an additional $1,000 in fees. Take the high road, even when you don’t want to, and you could significantly reduce your final bill.

Property, Children & Alimony Slows Things Down

The more issues there are to decide upon in your divorce, the more you’ll typically pay. Having children, property division or alimony issues all lead to higher than average attorney fees. It takes times for the Court to hear evidence and decide on each of these issues. Even if you are able to reach a settlement it will still take longer to negotiate them one by one. In cases with many complexities like shared businesses, children, property or debt issues, you can usually save thousands by trying divorce mediation instead.

Want a more affordable, healthier divorce than court litigation? Click here to learn more about the many benefits of divorce mediation.

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Finding your financial info for divorce

Finding Your Financial Info For Divorce

Finding your financial info for divorce One of the very first steps in the divorce process involves financial information-gathering. This involves putting together a complete picture of you and your spouse’s financial situation and history throughout your marriage. Without this initial info, it is difficult or even impossible to reach an equitable agreement for both parties. However finding your financial info isn’t always easy… We don’t always keep records like we should (we’re all guilty of this sometimes). Here are a few places to look to start finding your financial info for divorce.

What kind of records am I looking for?

When we talk about financial records, we’re really just talking about and record of your financial activity and status. This includes receipts and invoices, bank statements, insurance or loan records, tuition payments or medical expense records, tax statements… anything that shows your income, wealth, or expenses. If you aren’t sure whether something is relevant, bring it to your attorney with the rest of your records. They can give you a better answer.

Start with your filing cabinet (if you have one!)

The obvious place to begin is your filing cabinet at home and at work. Start with financial folders files but also sweep the entire cabinet for financial records that may have been misplaced (especially if you’re prone to throwing paperwork in intermixed). If you have a personal accountant, there’s probably a large number of records in their filing cabinet. Reach out to them to ask for a copy of all your financial records. If your spouse works, make sure they look through their records there as well to make sure nothing is missed. If you don’t have a filing cabinet, we recommend getting one (even a small one!). This will make organizing your records in the divorce moving forward far easier and save you time and hassle.

Look at your credit score in your name.

You have probably seen commercials for many services providing free credit score reports. These free reports are a trove of information about your credit, debt and other financial activities. This can help jog your memory about all your existing debt so you don’t forget something just because you don’t have a paper statement. We recommend creditkarma.com or freecreditreport.com as two possible report sites. Most banks also provide credit score reports for their members – check your online account to see if yours does as well!

Find your most recent Tax Statement Return

Everyone pays taxes – so everyone has a tax statement return, a rich document that details your taxes. This is required for any divorce from both parties, so it’s best to find it early on and save yourself time later. We recommend our clients bring it to their very first appointment, in fact. Make sure you bring both your Federal and State tax returns, even if you didn’t pay taxes or just got a refund, along with any supporting documentation attached. If your taxes were more complex… you own businesses or other assets, bring tax information for that as well. If you can’t find your tax return, you can request another copy here. However know the process takes time – it’s best not to lose them in the first place.

When All Else Fails: Check the Garage, Attic & Storage

After you have looked in the obvious places, it is time to move to the less obvious ones. Before you finish your search, take the time to look through your garage, attic, storage, and anywhere else you may have put old paperwork. Old, unopened mail often includes mailed invoices and other financial information so go through any old piles you have laying around. This should help fill any last gaps in your financial records.

Want a more affordable, healthier divorce than court litigation? Click here to learn more about the many benefits of divorce mediation.

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Do Not Change When Starting a Divorce

You’ve made the choice to look into divorce. Now you’re looking for attorneys and getting ready fo file your paperwork. At this point in the process, people often feel an urge to start making changes in their economic situation to reflect their divorce.  However, do not change these five things:

Do Not Change Funds from your Accounts To Keep Them From your Spouse

It’s natural to want to withdraw your funds to ensure they stay in your hands. However until the court finalizes your divorce, you must share any funds. If you first empty your shared bank account to ensure you have the funds short-term,  it may make it harder for you to hold on to them in the long run, depending on the final Divorce Judgement. Further, your actions may reflect poorly on you in the eyes of the Court, which could reduce the likelihood of a preferred outcome.

Do Not Change your Beneficiaries on Your Life Insurance Policy

Similarly, it’s normal to want to remove your soon-to-be ex from your life insurance policies. If I die today, why should they benefit? Again, life insurance policies play a role in your ultimate settlement. Making changes too early may put you at risk of facing additional hearings significantly raising the cost of your divorce.

Do Not Change Your Spouse from your Health Insurance Plan

Healthcare coverage is a significant issue in divorce. It is up to the court in litigation or the two parties in mediation to decide on a final arrangement. Until the the court finalizes the divorce, removing your spouse from your health insurance plan will likely result in a motion from your spouse, more court hearings, and more costs for you.

Do Not Sell Any Marital Property

Wisconsin is a “Community Property” state.  This means that all property either spouse acquired during the marriage is shared property. If you sell any shared property, without the permission of your spouse, you can land yourself in very hot water with the Court. This is why many initial divorce orders explicitly direct you not to sell any joint property. In this case, doing so could result in fines or worse for violating an order.

Do Not Increase Your Debt

While most courts will equally share assets in Wisconsin marriages, courts will also equally divide debt between spouses. If you go on a spending spree during your divorce expecting to split the debt equally, you will be unpleasantly surprised to find the Court disagrees. You may end up facing the entire new debt yourself, and it may reflect poorly on you if it appears you were trying to push your debt to your spouse. Wait to make any new major purchases until your divorce is final.

Want a more affordable, healthier divorce than court litigation? Click here to learn more about the many benefits of divorce mediation.

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Divorce & Communicating When You Don’t Get Along

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When getting divorced, it is impossible to avoid communicating with your spouse, especially when you have kids, share a business, or require other ongoing communication. If you are trying divorce mediation, good communication is a needed for a good outcome.  There are a lot of practical reasons why communicating thoughtfully versus emotionally is good. Below are some simple tips to help improve communication with the other party.

Bad Communication Harms your Relationships.

Bad communication is corrosive to your relationships – not only with your ex, but with your children as well. Without a basic level of mutual respect, co-parenting the healthy way becomes nearly impossible. It weakens your position as a positive role model for your kids, and puts them in a high-conflict situation they aren’t ready or prepared for. In both the short and long term, bad communication will wreak havoc on your relationships.

Your Past Communication Can Be Used Against You.

On a more practical level, parents give the court text, e-mail or other social media to make the other parent look bad.  A great deal of communication between parents today takes place in the form of texts, emails and social media messages. These electronic forms of communication are very easy to save and document. Something you type in a moment of anger, and that you don’t really mean, could still be introduced in court down the road. Keep that by happening by always being respectful in your communication, taking the high road when necessary. How do you do that?

A Process for Healthy, Productive & Respectful Communication

The goal of communication with your ex should always be in the forefront of your mind when sending or replying to a message from them. What is the purpose? Am I acting out emotionally? Is my response appropriate? Often times, it is easy to feel one’s self getting defensive during a conflict or argument. Before responding, ask yourself, “Am I getting defensive? Am I lashing out?” Self-awareness is difficult, but with practice can get easier. Once you are aware when things are escalating, you can put on the brakes andt avoid the urge to lash out, even when you think it is deserved. Remember the goal of your communication, and all the bad that can come from letting it go bad.

Keep it Short and to the Point.

Avoid talking too much. Communicating with your ex during divorce should focus on sharing information and not giving commentary. The longer you talk, the higher the chance your conversation veers out of what’s appropriate. Keep it short and simple.

Remain Cordial – Be Nice.

Last, but not least, do not mistake being brief with being rude or unkind. You don’t have to act like you are best friends, but you should give your ex a basic level of kindness. There is no better way to break a cycle of escalating anger or mistrust than by showing a bit of unexpected kindness. Take the high road, and you’ll go a long way in communicating with your ex in a healthy way for you and your family.

Want a more affordable, healthier divorce than court litigation? Click here to learn more about the many benefits of divorce mediation.

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Tips for Successful Mediation

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You’ve decide to take the next step and give divorce mediation a try… now what? We’ve been helping couples mediate for more than 15 years, and we’ve learned a few lessons about how to help improve your chances for a successful mediation. Here are five tried and true tips to start thinking through right now:

1. Treat each other with respect.

We know how hard this one is… but we put it first because it really is so important. The power of mediation comes from empowering people to communicate and work through disagreements without devolving into contempt and disrespect for one another. While you don’t necessarily have to agree, or even like the other person in the room, mediation requires that you respect them at a basic level by listening to them and focusing on problems rather than the person. Without this respect, you likely won’t reach the preferable outcome.

2. Be patient.

Understanding each other’s interests, getting past parties’ potential unrealistic expectations and working towards a place where parties can show mutual respect takes time. Often, one party may move at a slightly faster or slower rate, and that can shift as well. Rushing the process can quickly lead to disrespect, and sour the entire process. Take the cake out of the oven too soon and you’ll just get soggy dough.

3. Avoid the “Who’s Right & Who’s Wrong” Mentality

The focus in mediation should be coming to an agreement both sides can live with, not on who is right and who is wrong. While you probably do have reasons to feel wronged by the other party, determining or accounting for that isn’t the purpose of mediation. In fact, that’s what makes the litigation process so high-conflict, costly, and time-consuming. Focusing on the future, and on solutions will help you move forward more quickly, and in a healthy manner.

4. Try to push past the anger-

It’s normal to get mad sometimes during mediation. Your own anger isn’t necessarily a sign that mediation is failing. We often enter mediation with many assumptions, and when we find out they aren’t always right, it’s human to get mad. You may end up with less than you originally wanted (or owing more) in order to come to an agreement, or find that the facts were different than you perceived. Pushing past this anger will help you get to a better solution for yourself. However, letting your anger control you can sabotage your own interests.

5. Avoid making threats-

Although a common defensive move when feeling desperate, people naturally respond to threats by making more threats which escalates the problem. This makes it harder, if not impossible to resolve conflict. When you feel yourself getting angry or you want to escalate, try to take a breath and center yourself. You can always ask to take a break or even leave the room if you need to – it’s worth it to avoid a cycle of escalating conflict.
Keep these 5 tips in mind during your mediation and you’ll go a long way at ensuring a successful experience! To learn more about divorce mediation, click here.

Want a more affordable, healthier divorce than court litigation? Click here to learn more about the many benefits of divorce mediation.

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Do I have grandparent visitation rights?

Do I Have Grandparent Visitation Rights?

Do I have grandparent visitation rights?

Thankfully, a court can award a grandparent the right to see their grandchild otherwise known as “grandparent visitation.”  The grandparent relationship is an important relationship in any child’s life. Grandparent visitation maintains the bond when a parent is not allowing the relationship to continue. Do I Have Grandparent Visitation Rights? The answer depends…

Do I Have Grandparent Visitation Rights?

Every state has its own laws regarding grandparent visitation but there are some common themes. Courts will consider the relationship between the grandchild and the grandparent. They will also consider whether the visitation is in the grandchild’s best interest. Most courts give special weight to the parent’s decision to prevent visitation. They will assume that the parents are acting in their child’s best interest. The grandparent requesting visitation must prove otherwise.  In addition, the grandparent must show that they have maintained a relationship or at least tried to do so. They must also show that the parent has prevented them. For all the requirements, see the Wisconsin Grandparent Visitation statute. But the grandparent cannot act contrary to the parent’s decisions related to a child’s physical, education or spiritual welfare. Grandparents can make routine daily decisions but not major changes. If a court finds that a grandparent wants to convert a child to a different religion, the court would not award visitation. In Wisconsin, a grandparent must file a petition for visitation with the Court. If the parents have already filed a divorce or paternity, you can file in the same case. It is critical to share specific facts with your attorney those facts are unique to your case. Those facts determine the outcome.

Non-grandparent Rights

Wisconsin law allows visitation for someone who is not the child’s parent in several situations. For instance, it can be related to a divorce, proving paternity, the death of a child’s parent or adoption.  However, in Wisconsin, terminating the biological parent’s rights for adoption also generally ends the grandparents’ rights. Someone who is not a grandparent must prove that they have maintained a parent-child-like relationship. Grandparents do not.  A non-grandparent must still prove this visitation is in the child’s best interest. Courts will take into account what the child wants. It feels terrible to be prohibited from seeing your grandchild.  If you must proceed with court action,  hire a family law attorney who is experienced with grandparent visitation. That attorney will discuss your best options. Cassel Villarreal has 20 years experience in family law issues including grandparent and non-grandparent visitation.

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Top Divorce Lawyer Blues

Top Divorce Lawyer Blues

For those people who didn’t choose the right divorce lawyer, they will be stuck with the divorce lawyer blues. 

  1. You got up early and got the kids dressed and ready for school only for your lawyer to be late to your first appointment. 
  2. You tell your lawyer that the other parent is always late picking up the children from school late they tell you “that’s not relevant” and look at their watch. They start telling war stories. You look at your watch.
  3. You ask what is a parenting plan, is a child support order necessary, and how long it takes to get a divorce, and they complain that you’re asking “a lot of questions.”
  4. When you ask them to call you back, they say, “Remember, I have other important cases.”
  5. You call your attorney every other day. Only the secretary calls you back but that’s OK because she’s much nicer.
  6. The lawyer says they promise they will call you back next week, that they will send you the bill tomorrow, but they break all the promises.
  7. Your lawyer bills you for the meeting. Yet they can’t find the memo for it.
  8. It’s three days before the hearing and they haven’t called you, then they’re late for the court hearing. The attorney leans over and asks “How many kids do you have again?”
  9. When you send your lawyer copies of texts from your ex and your children’s transcripts there aren’t any prepared exhibits because “family cases don’t really use the rules of evidence.” At the hearing, they don’t ask much. Then your ex’s attorney cross-examines you to death. You lose the hearing, but they take you to lunch. Next month, they charge you for lunch.
  10. They also charge you for the memo they never found. You consider moving to Brazil.

Avoid the Divorce Lawyer Blues. See exactly what our divorce and family mediation clients have said.

 

 

Divorce: Should I Wait Until After the Holidays?

Photo by Artyom Kulikov from Unsplash

Divorce Timing Matters

There’s no good time to begin a divorce. Still, there are worse times both emotionally and financially. We can help you make that difficult decision.

Do We have children?

Children love Christmas, Santa, and family. No one wants to ruin their holidays. Most people assume if you have children you should wait. But the answer is not obvious. You have to ask more questions.

What is our Conflict Pattern?

The holidays already produce stress. People have extra demands and schedules packed with too many commitments. There’s also the stress of covering additional expenses. This can trigger some of the worst arguments couples can have.

While every couple is unique, there are patterns over time. Some do not argue. In fact, they hardly communicate at all. Others may feel like they have terrible arguments all the time. In a 20 year study, Dr. Constance Ahrons interviewed young adults about their experiences as children in divorce. From her research, she created four groups of parenting styles.

  1. “Perfect pals” spoke frequently and had excellent discussions. Few couples attain this level.
  2. “Cooperative colleagues” communicated less often but the quality was high.
  3. “Angry associates” hardly interacted and the quality was average.
  4. “Fiery foes” hardly spoke and it was very angry when they did.

The first two groups represent “good divorces.” Unfortunately, children with high conflict reported that their parents’ marriage was actually more destructive than their divorce. For more information on the Good Divorce, click Here.

Parents often say that they don’t fight in front of their children. But if you argue after bedtime, your children have most likely heard you. Sometimes a child will actually say that they “can’t take it anymore.” Their holidays are already fraught with conflict. In that case, starting to separate may bring them some peace.

What is my relationship with my in-laws?

There’s an old saying that when you marry someone “you marry the whole family.” Your relationship with them matters. Divorce will always cause some issues, even in close families. If things are already tense, you might wait to avoid extra holiday conflict. This includes disrupting planned gatherings and the struggle with relatives taking sides. If you do not have children and are not going to continue those relationships, you may want to forge ahead.

Are we financially stable?

The holidays are financially draining. People have to shop for presents, host gatherings, and travel. Divorce mediation costs significantly less than traditional litigation and is a healthier alternative. (See Mediation Benefits.) But regardless of the method, starting a divorce requires some initial investment.

Can I access funds to begin the process?

There are several ways that couples can find the resources to begin the process. Savings accounts, credit cards, or a personal loan from friends or family are the most frequent. Less frequent methods include a year-end bonus or a bank or life insurance loan. If you can access funds without disrupting the holidays, it is easier move forward.

Look at the financial stability of both parties.

The idea of divorce scares even financially sophisticated people. That fear leads people to consider their circumstances but not their spouses. In deciding the timing, remember that you both need access to cash.

If one spouse earns significantly more, it is critical to consider resources for the other. Failing to do so could produce unexpected consequences. Who wants a contested temporary hearing? Another surprise is a lower credit rating because your spouse couldn’t pay marital debts. If you both have access to funds and can meet holiday expenses, you might consider moving forward.

Where are we emotionally now?

Last but not least, the most critical questions is “Where are we now?” One spouse almost always decides sooner that the marriage isn’t working. But both need time to process this decision. The one who first realizes it is over will research for months. But often that same person expects the other to immediately  make decisions. Even if divorce mediation is the right path, it matters when you discuss it. For more information, click Talking to Your Spouse About Divorce Mediation.  When both people are ready move forward, it doesn’t matter when you start.

The opposite is also true. When one of you is shellshocked or enraged, it is best to give them time, especially during the holidays.

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