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Debunking Common Divorce Myths

divorce myths
Many people considering divorce get their information from friends, family members or people at work.  Unfortunately, most of this helpful advice tends to be wrong.  When people rely on this advice it often results in poor decision making that hurts them in the long run. Using the divorce mediation process will provide you the correct legal and financial information you need to make good decisions. Here’s four common myths we hear about divorce, along with what the facts really say.

Divorce Myth 1: To divorce my spouse, I must go where we got married.

Wisconsin allows divorce even if you married your spouse in a different state or country. You do not need to travel to the location where the wedding took place. The two requirements that matter most involve residency. You must live in Wisconsin for 6 months before filing for divorce. Similarly, you need to live in a Wisconsin county for at least 30 days before you can file at the County Courthouse.

Divorce Myth 2: A court only approves a divorce if I agree to it.

In all fifty states, the Court requires the approval of only one spouse to approve a divorce. While an unwilling spouse can make the process slow and difficult, the divorce will ultimately be granted. Further, Wisconsin divorces are “no-fault”, which means no reason must be given, like adultery or domestic violence. One spouse must consider the marriage irrevocably broken. That’s it.

Divorce Myth 3: You must do marriage counseling before you get a divorce.

While possible in some situations, the Court rarely requires marriage counseling before approving a divorce. Usually, such efforts fail because both spouses must be commitment to making it work for counseling to succeed. However, Courts sometimes order co-parenting counseling for parents to learn to raise their kids together, though separated.

Divorce Myth 4: I am legally separated from my spouse if we live apart and have separate bank accounts.

While you may appear physically separated, you remain legally married until a Court says otherwise. This means you remain responsible for your spouse’s debts and obligations, and both your property and income remains marital property. The Court must grant you a legal separation for it to stand up in court in the future.

Related: What is the Difference Between Legal Separation & Divorce? 

What Divorce Myths Have you Heard?

Do you have a false piece of divorce advice you want us to debunk? Send your ideas to alexmderr@gmail.com and we may use them in our next blog on divorce myths!

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Difference Between Legal Separation and Divorce

Differences Between Divorce and Legal Separation in Wisconsin

Difference Between Legal Separation and Divorce You’ve probably heard of legal separation before. How is it actually different than divorce? They’re meant to work for different situations, depending on the context of each couple. Here are a few reasons someone might get legally separated, along with differences in the process and effects. It will help you better understand the differences between divorce and legal separation in Wisconsin.

Two Big Reasons to Get Separated: Religion & Health Insurance.

The first reason many people choose legal separation is health insurance coverage. When a spouse providing both spouses insurance dies or gets divorced, insurers classify this a “Qualifying Event.” This means they can stop providing coverage to the divorced spouse. While a 1985 law allows some ex-spouses to request continued coverage, they are required to pay the entire premium and a 2% administration fee, making the cost too high for most. Legal separation might help, depending on your workplace. Many employers do not consider legal separation a “Qualifying Event,” and will continue to cover a spouse even if legally separated from the employee. Others use a hybrid system, and will continue to provide insurance for 6 months to 1 year before cutting off coverage. Some other companies treat it the same as divorce. The best way to know for certain is to send a request to your company’s HR department inquiring whether they consider legal separation a “Qualifying Event” for terminating health insurance for an employee’s spouse. Difference Between Legal Separation and Divorce The second big reason people get divorced is for religious purposes. Many faiths low down on divorce for spiritual reasons. Legal separation provides a means to live apart, without having to get a full, formal divorce. In a case like this, the Court can still help the parties divide property, arrange child custody, and figure out other aspects of their separation.

Divorcees Can Remarry, Legally Separated Spouses Cannot.

The second big difference between divorce and legal separation regards remarriage. Following divorce, individuals must wait 6 months, at which point they can re-marry anyone. However, individuals who are legally separated cannot remarry until they get a full, formal divorce. Legal separation for most people does not last forever. It’s a transitory period during which the couple can try to patch things up, or decide their relationship is not meant to be. Other couples use legal separation to give one spouse time to find new insurance and financial benefits through employment or the online marketplace.

Different “Grounds” to Prove for Divorce & Legal Separation.

The “grounds” are the conditions you must prove exist to have a divorce or legal separation approved by the Court. For legal separation, spouses must testify that the marriage is “broken.” However, in divorce, at least one of the spouses must testify that the marriage is “irretrievably broken.” Thus, if one spouse believes the marriage is broken but salvageable, while the other believes it is done for good, they would only be able to divorce.

The Differences Between Divorce & Legal Separation.

In review, divorce and legal separation differ in a few different ways. First, people get legally separated instead of divorce usually for health insurance or religious reasons, or to see if the relationship can be salvaged. Second, divorcees can get re-married after six months, while those legally separated cannot. Lastly, divorce means the marriage is “irretrievably broken”, and legal separation says it is just “broken.” Regardless of whether you pursue divorce or legal separation, mediation can help you reach a better outcome. Learn more about divorce mediation and how it can help you, here.

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Four Reasons to Mediate your Divorce

Debunking More Child Support Myths: Part Three

If you haven’t read them yet, check out Part 1 and Part 2 of our Debunking Child Support Myths Series. In this Part 3, we’re covering several more child support myths. This week the theme is more of a Catch-All, a lot of topics from all over the place. If you have a myth you want us to explore, email us at cvillarreal@derrlaw.com. Now, on to the debunking!

Myth 1: MY EX AGREED NOT TO ASK ME FOR MORE SUPPORT.

Child support is always open to change following a change in circumstances of the parents to ensure the child’s needs are met. This is why the Court cannot honor any agreement that prevents a request for more child support. It may not always be in the child’s best interests.

Some examples of changes that might prompt a change in child support include changes in :

  • child’s placement schedule
  • a parent’s employment or income, and
  • the cost of health insurance for a child.

Myth 2: Myth #10: I WILL NEVER PAY CHILD SUPPORT BECAUSE MY EX GOT MORE THAN HALF OF THE PROPERTY.

As explained above, child support payment cannot be included in any deal with other financial assets. The Court will not honor them. A parent may ask the court for support if there are financial changes. For example, because of a layoff, a parent may need more support to avoid eviction.

Property division in a court agreement is also final, and cannot be changed. Thus even if a Court did allow such an agreement (which they will not), you’d be unable to change property division to enforce it.

Myth 3: If I lose my job and can’t pay my support I don’t have to pay.

When your income changes or your employment changes you have to change your order. Court’s can not go back in time and change an order – even if there is a good reason (your income or employment status changes). You must work on changing the current order to be in align with your current financial circumstances immediately.

There’s a lot of misinformation out there when it comes to child support. By Attorney Cassel Villarreal.

Getting Through Valentine's Day During a Divorce or Separation

Getting Through Valentine’s Day During a Divorce or Separation

Getting Through Valentine's Day During a Divorce

Valentine’s Day isn’t an easy day for people going through or recently divorced. With all the discussion of couples and love, it’s easy to get a bit down. We’ve seen it happen many times, and we have some tips that might help. Here’s some great advice on getting through Valentine’s Day during a divorce.

Celebrate Valentine’s Day for You!

If you try to avoid acknowledging the holiday completely, you’re bound to fail. Instead, try to embrace Valentine’s Day for yourself and do something special. Get yourself some flowers, go to the gym, or do something special for yourself. The key is keeping yourself busy, and trying to find your own way to find joy in the holiday. If you don’t like to be alone, reach out to other single friends for a night out!

Social Media Isn’t Helpful: Stay Away!

It’s tempting to turn to facebook or instagram when we’re anxious or trying to avoid something. However social media is a bad idea on a day like Valentine’s Day. You’re likely to see a lot of pictures of happy couples, which isn’t helpful. In fact, recent studies suggests that heavy social media use can actually make us more romantically jealous. Avoid the urge to check up on your ex or other couples, and spend the time doing something you love.

Separated And Working on the Marriage?

If you aren’t yet divorced, but you’re separated, consider a less romantic option to get together with your spouse. Planning an event with family involvement, like a picnic or trip to the zoo, can help lead to a friendly time out with less tension or anxiety than a private date.

Getting Through Valentine’s Day During a Divorce

Even with all this preparation, Valentine’s Day will still likely be tough for your first year or two. If you find ways to celebrate for yourself, avoid social media, and involve family, your holiday can be a lot less of a downer! If you appreciated this advice, make sure you subscribe to our newsletter using the form on the right to get more great advice delivered right to your inbox every month.

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Same Sex Divorce in Wisconsin

Same Sex Divorce in Wisconsin

Same Sex Divorce in WisconsinWhen can same-sex couples start marrying in Wisconsin? They can already, since October 6, 2014. The same law made sex sex divorce in Wisconsin legal. Here are a few details you should know about this newly legal process.

Can same-sex couples obtain a divorce in Wisconsin?

They sure can!  But do you know what’s better?  They can also do divorce mediation for a much more reasonable price than each of them retaining their own attorney.

Same-sex divorce in Wisconsin requires the same forms and papers as heterosexual divorce. The forms which are needed in each particular case depend on the unique circumstances of the case. The basic divorce papers set which appears in any divorce includes divorce petition, summons, divorce decree, etc.

Same Sex Divorce in Wisconsin

 

There are unique issues for same-sex divorce in Wisconsin.

The process for married same-sex couples who wish to divorce is far more difficult, due to the recent changes in law.

For example, one glaring issue is determining the length of the marriage for purposes of maintenance, or alimony. Maintenance is linked to the length of marriage, so how will the courts determine when the marriage started? Will the court use the date of the couple’s actual marriage, or the date in which Wisconsin recognized the legality of their marriage?  It also remains unsettled as to whether children born to same sex married couples will be ‘presumed’ by the State of Wisconsin to be children of both parties.

 

Mediation is the best option for same-sex divorce in Wisconsin

While the legal system determines these legal nuances, divorce mediation can help render to these difficult situations.  It is important that you feel confident whether you hire an attorney or decide to do it the amicable way through divorce mediation.  If you are facing this difficult situation, call Derr & Villarreal, LLC at 920-885-5549.

Related: The Benefits of Divorce Mediation

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Four Reasons to Mediate your Divorce

Divorce Mediation? Four Reasons to Say “Yes”

When we think about getting a divorce, most people immediately start looking for an attorney to represent them. However, mediation has a lot going for it compared to traditional, court-litigated divorces. Here are four big reasons to try mediating your divorce before you turn to high-price attorneys and the courts to settle the issue.

Divorce Mediation is healthier for families.

First and foremost, mediation can lessen the negative impacts of your divorce on your children and family. Thanks to its less confrontational process, mediation usually leads to better long term relationships between ex-spouses. This makes all the difference for children and other close family who might otherwise get caught up in conflict from the trial.

Mediation will save you money.

The average court-litigated divorce in Wisconsin was $11,300 per person. If you have children, that number was $17,000. Most of that cost, more than 80%, are attorney fees paid to prepare for Court. These fees are highly uncertain, because they’re charged hourly for service, usually at least $250/hour. Depending on how long your case goes on, you’ll continue to pay more in fees. Unfortunately, your attorney has few incentives to speed things up too, as that reduces their pay.
Mediation costs less than $6,000 per person, and isn’t charged hourly. You’ll know upfront what you will owe, with less uncertainty and confusion. You get unlimited communication with the mediator as well, including phone calls and emails. Normally these would cost you, if using an attorney – with mediation it’s all included so you get the time you need to get your questions and concerns answered.

Divorce is more private with mediation.

Mediation takes place in the safety and comfort of our private law offices. They’re located throughout south-central Wisconsin, including Beaver Dam, Oshkosh and West Bend. As a result, you avoid the public nature of a divorce legal hearing. These are typically held in the public County courthouse and is open to all. If you place a premium in keeping the details of your marriage and divorce private, mediation may be the better option for you.

Mediation avoids the risk of a trial.

Unless you are able to settle before hand, most high-conflict divorces go on to trial, where you cannot be certain of the outcome. In mediation, you and your partner come to an agreement you are both happy with, giving you certainty during the process and over the outcome. Because both parties commit to mediated agreements themselves, they are also associated with higher compliance rates. That saves you money, and avoids conflict in the future too.

Lots of reasons to try mediation: Give us a call today!

Mediation is better for a lot of reasons, but people are still hesitant to try it because they’re unsure of what to expect. Yet the process can save you money, do better for your family, and avoid the risk of a trial. If you’d like to learn about your options, give us a call today to talk with you free of charge. 920-885-5549 herol

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Child Support Myths Debunked: Part Two


In part two of our series on child support myths, we debunk three more common but false beliefs. These myths are related to child support and placement issues.

MYTH 1: If my ex doesn’t pay their court ordered child support, then they don’t get their court ordered placement time.

This is a common belief, as the amount of placement a parent has is considered when determining child support. However, they are only related in making this determination. They aren’t related for issues related to the actual paying of child support. While there are specific processes to make a parent pay their child support, denying a parent’s placement time is not an appropriate response. The Court believes that altering a child’s parenting relationship over financial issues isn’t worth the impact. Thus, denying a parent’s placement because they haven’t paid child support is a violation of the court’s placement order. This puts you at risk of being found in contempt of court.

Myth 2: If my child’s other parent withholds my placement, I don’t have to pay child support during the time I am denied placement.

Once again, the payment of child support and placement are not related in the eyes of the courts. There are other ways to make a parent follow a court ordered placement schedule. Many of these awards make up time and reimbursement of costs for having to make the court force the parent to follow the order. While you go through that process, you must continue to pay child support payments. Even if the other parent remains combative.

Myth 3: If my child’s parent agrees to let me have primary placement, I can agree that they do not have to pay child support.

Child support payments are established by law. The court must follow guidelines when it comes to ordering child support. They often require the court to make arrangements for health insurance coverage and allocate tax benefits between the parties. However the Court will approve parents’ agreement for support if reasonable under the child support guidelines and the arrangement provides for the child’s needs.
Conversely, the Court will not approve an agreement if it is too far off from what the child support guidelines state. The guidelines make sure that children’s financial needs are met and their standard of living is consistent.

Debunking Common Child Support Myths

Do you have a myth you want us to review and debunk? Send an email to alexmderr@gmail.com and we’ll review your suggestions! Check back soon for our next blog in our “Debunking Common Child Support Myths” Series!

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Co-Parenting During the Holidays

Co-parenting your way through the holiday season

Most children look to this time of year with wonder and excitement in their eyes. In turn, parents hope to put smiles on faces and create memories and traditions that will last forever. When parents are going through divorce mediation, the holidays can be extra stressful and difficult to navigate. This time of year, it’s more important than ever to keep the holiday spirit bright and cheery, for yourself and especially for your children. Planning ahead for gift-giving, family gatherings, and even vacations can help make that possible. Here are some tips for co-parenting during the holidays so your family time is enjoyable:

1) Double Check the Holiday Placement Schedule with the other Parent.

Double-check and re-confirm the holiday placement schedule with the other parent including specific pick up and drop off times and places. If you don’t have a schedule, post-judgment mediation is a good way to negotiate one.  Try not to change the schedule at the last minute. However, it’s the holidays and unexpected things happen and you may need to compromise.

Be sure to coordinate and write down any agreed-on changes in advance so time with your kids isn’t disrupted by confusion about who said what and what they meant. Never leave it up to the kids to choose which parent they want to spend time with. This will only cause unnecessary stress for them and may anger the parent not chosen.

2) Arrange Make-up Days for Holiday Vacations.

If one parent plans to vacation over the holidays, plan make-up days for the other parent in advance. A vacation is exciting for kids and they look forward to it so, try to encourage their excitement and let them know you are excited for them. You may feel less than excited about being away from your kids during this time of year but stay positive and be respectful of the other parent. Try to remember, you can still celebrate with your kids whatever day you like.

Another thing to remember is your state of mind and well-being while your kids are vacationing with the other parent. You may want to consider making plans for yourself to spend this time with extended family or friends. You could even plan your own vacation during the time your kids are away. You’ll have less time and opportunity to focus on being away from them during the holidays.

3) Share New Plans with Older Children.

If your kids are old enough, share your schedule and plans with them so they have a chance to prepare emotionally for the new situation. Be honest with them and let them know that the situation is difficult for you too, but they are loved and both parents want to spend time with them. Be open to answering their questions and let them know that they can be honest with you about their feelings as well.

4) Spend part of the Holidays Together, if Possible.

If you’re able, consider spending parts of the holidays together with the other parent like opening presents, going sledding, or even a family meal. It’s important that you talk with your kids ahead of time so they don’t get the wrong impression. Your kids will enjoy the time with both parents but they must remember that just because mom and dad chose to spend this time together doesn’t mean they are getting back together. Setting a specific time and defining boundaries will help the kids understand what’s going on and know what to expect.

5) Talk to the other Parent to get on the Same Page on Presents.

Talk with the other parent about presents and who will buy what for whom. This ensures each child has an equal amount and you don’t end up doubling up on anything. Also, don’t overdo it on presents to make up for the stress of a new divorce. That won’t benefit your finances, your relationship with the other parent, OR your kids.

6) Stay Open-minded Towards New Traditions!

Be open-minded about making new traditions if the old ones make your kids sad or feel negatively without the other parent there. There’s an old saying that it only takes 3 years to create a tradition. If you can make it past your first two holiday seasons, things get easier.

Co-Parenting During the Holidays is Easier with these Tips.

Focus on your kids this holiday season. If you can’t be with them during a holiday, tell them to enjoy themselves with the other parent’s family. Invest yourself in their experiences; the memories they will carry into adulthood and the traditions that will be passed down as they build their own families.

Curious about a better way to get divorced, compared to divorce litigation? Click here to learn about mediation, the healthier alternative.

quotes to help you through divorce

Quotes to Help you Through Divorce

quotes to help you through divorce

Divorce is not easy. Your life changes, your family gets uprooted, and things change forever. It’s completely natural to feel down, or have regrets about the process. In our experience, you probably made the right decision. However you probably need a bit of reassurance. We put together these quotes to help you through divorce. You can also share them in a card or message to family or friends going through the process.

1) “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.”
— Jennifer Weiner

2) “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”
— Lucille Ball

3) “Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers.”
— Gerald Lieberman

4)”Every couple has the same five arguments in their lifetime, which is really just the one, over and over, until people die or divorce. What it is depends on who you are and what your parents did to you.”
— Amy Bloom

5) “I wanted to turn my divorce into a positive. What if I didn’t blame the other person for anything, and held myself 100 percent accountable? What if I checked my own s— at the door and put my children first? And reminded myself about the things about my ex-husband that I love, and fostered the friendship?”
— Gwyneth Paltrow

6) “Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.”
— Rupi Kaur

7) “Success is its own reward, but failure is a great teacher too, and not to be feared.”
— Sonia Sotomayor

8) “Now she knew what divorce really was: Sharing decisions with a person you would run down on the street.”
—Judy Blundell

9) “I was a high-functioning depressive, seemingly pulled together and buttoned down. But inside deep, I was numb and mute. Now on the other side of divorce, I know that was me fragmented and doing my best to cope. But my body knew.”
—Liza Caldwell

10) “Studies have shown that the number one factor that affects adult children is not whether they are from a “broken home.” It is the level of conflict between parents – married or divorced.”
—Lisa Derr

11) “And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life,”
—J.K. Rowling

12) “It always gets worse before it can get better. But it will get better. Like everything else, and like our past struggles, at some point we win, but before that win, there’s always that loss that spurs us on.”
— Dolores Huerta

13) “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”
– Martin Luther King Jr.

14) “It’s never too late to become who you want to be. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

15) “I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me.”
—Erica Jong

16) “No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
— C. JoyBell C.

17) “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
— Deborah Reber

18) “Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.”
—Guy Finley

19) “Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.”
— Carol Burnett

20) “Don’t be afraid. Be focused, Be determined, Be hopeful, Be empowered.”
— Michelle Obama

21) “Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”
– Herman Hesse

22) “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”
— Maya Angelou

23) “There will come a time when you believe everything is finished; that will be the beginning.”
– Louis L’Amour

24) “Perhaps sometimes reminding ourselves that we do have a choice makes it easier to pick the harder one.”
— Eva Melusine Thieme

25) “Change can be scary, but you know what’s scarier? Allowing fear to stop you from growing, evolving, and progressing.”
— Mandy Hale

26) “Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.”
— Jim Rohn

27) “Don’t have regrets. You can learn something from every experience.”
— Ellen Degeneres

28) “Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It’s the courage to continue that counts.” — Winston Churchill

29) “The good thing about getting divorced young—if there is a good thing—is that it makes you realize there’s no schedule in life. It blasts you wide open and frees you to be honest with yourself.”
—Olivia Wilde

30) “When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care about other people. The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be towards others.”
— Eda LeShan

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Debunking Common Child Support Myths

Debunking Common Child Support Myths

Debunking Common Child Support Myths When it comes to paying child support, rumors and myths abound. Sometimes amid all the disinformation, you might question whether you really know what’s going on when you make major decisions. In this ongoing series, we’ll be debunking common child support myths out there involving related family law issues. We start with two popular myths:

Myth 1: Neither parent pays child support if you have equal placement of the child.

While this may be true in some situations, it varies in reality. More likely than not, a state’s child support guidelines will have one parent pay some amount of child support. In determining child support, the Court considers the amount and type of time a parent has with their child. However they also consider the income of the two parents. The main principle to consider is that a child’s standard of living should not be extremely different between their parents’ households. For example, if Mom’s household has access to the internet, it is best for the children that Dad’s household also has access to the internet. When parents share placement of children but have a large gap in their incomes, the parent earning more usually must pay support to help minimize this difference.

Myth 2: The parent receiving child support cannot benefit from the child support payment.

Child support payments are intended to help with purchasing food, clothing, and other basic necessities for children. In a household, parents cannot divide up shared resources purchased with child support. For example, money applied towards rent payments pay for the home where both the parent and children live. Likewise, everyone uses food in the refrigerator, along with the same supply of water, heat and electricity. You use the same car to get to work and run errands that you use to get the children to school and extracurricular activities. For this reason, Courts do not scrutinize how a parent spends their child support payments, and parents are not obliged to report how they use them to their spouse. Parents may agree on how to use child support payments for larger expenses like college, if they want to work together and have ample funds. Sometimes, a court can create a separate fund for the support, and well-being of the children. This is not common, and usually only happens when one parent has a large income.

Debunking Common Child Support Myths

Do you have a myth you want us to review and debunk? Send an email to alexmderr@gmail.com and we’ll review your suggestions! Check back soon for our next blog in our “Debunking Common Child Support Myths” Series!

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