Co-Parenting During the Holidays
Most children look to this time of year with wonder and excitement in their eyes. In turn, parents hope to put smiles on faces and create memories and traditions that will last forever. When parents are going through divorce mediation, the holidays can be extra stressful and difficult to navigate. This time of year, it’s more important than ever to keep the holiday spirit bright and cheery, for yourself and especially for your children. Planning ahead for gift-giving, family gatherings, and even vacations can help make that possible. Here are some tips for co-parenting during the holidays so your family time is enjoyable:
1) Double Check the Holiday Placement Schedule with the other Parent.
Double-check and re-confirm the holiday placement schedule with the other parent including specific pick up and drop off times and places. If you don’t have a schedule, post-judgment mediation is a good way to negotiate one. Try not to change the schedule at the last minute. However, it’s the holidays and unexpected things happen and you may need to compromise.
Be sure to coordinate and write down any agreed-on changes in advance so time with your kids isn’t disrupted by confusion about who said what and what they meant. Never leave it up to the kids to choose which parent they want to spend time with. This will only cause unnecessary stress for them and may anger the parent not chosen.
2) Arrange Make-up Days for Holiday Vacations.
If one parent plans to vacation over the holidays, plan make-up days for the other parent in advance. A vacation is exciting for kids and they look forward to it so, try to encourage their excitement and let them know you are excited for them. You may feel less than excited about being away from your kids during this time of year but stay positive and be respectful of the other parent. Try to remember, you can still celebrate with your kids whatever day you like.
Another thing to remember is your state of mind and well-being while your kids are vacationing with the other parent. You may want to consider making plans for yourself to spend this time with extended family or friends. You could even plan your own vacation during the time your kids are away. You’ll have less time and opportunity to focus on being away from them during the holidays.
3) Share New Plans with Older Children.
If your kids are old enough, share your schedule and plans with them so they have a chance to prepare emotionally for the new situation. Be honest with them and let them know that the situation is difficult for you too, but they are loved and both parents want to spend time with them. Be open to answering their questions and let them know that they can be honest with you about their feelings as well.
4) Spend part of the Holidays Together, if Possible.
If you’re able, consider spending parts of the holidays together with the other parent like opening presents, going sledding, or even a family meal. It’s important that you talk with your kids ahead of time so they don’t get the wrong impression. Your kids will enjoy the time with both parents but they must remember that just because mom and dad chose to spend this time together doesn’t mean they are getting back together. Setting a specific time and defining boundaries will help the kids understand what’s going on and know what to expect.
5) Talk to the other Parent to get on the Same Page on Presents.
Talk with the other parent about presents and who will buy what for whom. This ensures each child has an equal amount and you don’t end up doubling up on anything. Also, don’t overdo it on presents to make up for the stress of a new divorce. That won’t benefit your finances, your relationship with the other parent, OR your kids.
6) Stay Open-minded Towards New Traditions!
Be open-minded about making new traditions if the old ones make your kids sad or feel negatively without the other parent there. There’s an old saying that it only takes 3 years to create a tradition. If you can make it past your first two holiday seasons, things get easier.
Co-Parenting During the Holidays is Easier with these Tips.
Focus on your kids this holiday season. If you can’t be with them during a holiday, tell them to enjoy themselves with the other parent’s family. Invest yourself in their experiences; the memories they will carry into adulthood and the traditions that will be passed down as they build their own families.
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Lisa Derr
Lisa Derr is an experienced Divorce and Family Mediator with three offices in east central Wisconsin. She started the family mediation practice in 1995. Lisa earned her BA in psychology from the University of Wisconsin in 1984 in four years despite a serious car accident that involved a 2-month hospital stay. She began practicing law in 1987. For the first 8 years of her career, Lisa litigated personal injury and divorce cases. But she was frustrated with the tremendous financial and emotional cost of divorce trials. Contested hearings inhibited reconciliation and healing for thewhole family. She started the Beaver Dam divorce mediation practice in 1995 and with her partner, Cassel Villarreal, expanded to Oshkosh and West Bend ten years later.