Betrayal to Growth

• Lisa Derr
• October 22, 2020
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• 3493 Views

Finding Growth From Betrayal

“Sad” by clala1220 is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0

Steven Dietz, an American playwright, said that betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. Our natural reaction is to pull back and never trust again. As a divorce mediator, I have seen people remain bitter for many years. They rarely experience joy.  Still, betrayal can be a strange blessing. Sometimes we can rebuild trust. It can lead to growth.

Michelle and Dennis Reina have done significant work on the issue of trust and in their book, “Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace: Building Effective Relationships in Your Organization” where they describe steps to rebuilding. These steps are critical to personal growth regardless of whether or not you choose to rebuild the relationship.

Awareness

Observe your feelings without judging them. You need quiet time to process. Step back and observe what happened from the corner of your mind. Allow those feelings to surface. This is extraordinarily difficult for some of us. We judge feelings of pain, humiliation and helplessness as “bad.” But feelings are neither good or bad. They just are. Acknowledged or not, our feelings are always with us. Burying them gives a false illusion of control. Unacknowledged, they influence us even more as we unknowingly make decisions based upon fear, worry and anger. To observe, we must first allow them to surface. This is not the obsessing that often happens after a negative experience where we relive the painful,

bitter moment over and over even when we’d prefer not to do so. This is choosing a quiet time in a safe place to experience the painful feelings of betrayal. Give yourself five minutes to fully experience these painful feelings. This is the first step to awareness and healing.

Get Support

Experiencing negative emotions is frightening for many of us. This is best done with an experienced therapist but an empathetic and no njudgmental friend or mentor is helpful as well.

“Depression/The Blues” by Joana Rojas – still here is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

Reframe the Experience

Beth Hevda, Ph.D. wrote, Betrayal, Trust, and Forgiveness, A Guide to Emotional Healing and Self-Renewal. She describes betrayal as a strong medicine, a real catalyst, the ultimate homeopathy, the paradoxical time when suffering accelerates personal development. In reframing the experience of betrayal, we choose to grow.

Tom Wilson wryly said, “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.” Reframing is challenging both emotionally and intellectually. It begins with an inquiry. How did this happen? How has it affected me? What have I learned? What lessons do I need to learn from this? Going through the process enlightens us.

Take Responsibility

I was betrayed and I’m responsible!? Don’t be too quick to judge. Take some time. Walk. Really think. What choices did we make that contributed to the betrayal? Was our trust justified? Did we miss signs that could have forewarned us? How did we react? Initially, did we overreact? Were we respectful? How could we have reacted? Most important, how will we choose to react in the future? The experience we had, however painful, is ours only to learn from. We do not grow by obsessing with others for pity or retaliation.

What about our own mistakes? So many betrayals are unintentional. How might we have betrayed those close to us? Do we expect to be rejected and constantly test people’s loyalty? Do we contribute to conflict being defensive? Are we so preoccupied with our problems and life that we are oblivious to the impact on others? Do we discount people, ignore them or run over them? Are we micromanaging? Have we missed deadlines, or failed to listen? We’ve all done this at sometime in our lives. Every one of us. We have to recognize it, apologize and forgive ourselves.

Choose Our Attitude

I listened to Shawn Achor, Ph.D. who wrote about our attitudes in “The Happiness Advantage Book.” Shawn notes that culturally we are taught that we will be happy once we are successful. He analyzed that concept studying Harvard undergrads. Shawn’s research proved that the opposite is actually true. Instead of waiting for success to become happy, choosing happiness first fuels success. When Harvard students found out they were accepted, they were elated.  But just a month into the first semester, they were miserable with stress, challenges and competition. They did what we all do. Once achieving “the goal” that defined success, instead of being happy, they set a new goal basing their long sought happiness on yet another target.

Total Forgiveness

Forgiveness must be total. This is critical. People either choose not to forgive because they don’t know how or only they forgive only a  superficial level or conditionally. Holding onto grudges costs more than they realize. Total forgiveness brings happiness.

Cost of Holding Grudges

Many choose not to forgive often because it was never modeled in their home. Instead of growth, they choose stagnation, “Well, I hold grudges. My whole family does.” People live diminished lives because of their inability to completely forgive. Instead of looking for solutions, they prefer to go to trial. “Even if I lose – it will be worth it.”

The financial cost of trial prohibits them from helping children with college or saving for retirement. Any satisfaction is short-lived and at the expense of their long-term happiness. Even more important, their obsession with their ex prevents them from establishing a new healthy  relationship with someone else. Untold second marriages fail because of the toxic, intimate connection with the first ex-spouse. It is like staying married to someone you know but despise. There is no upside.

Forgiveness is a Continuous Choice of Action

For the unwary, forgiveness is not merely speech but an active and continuing choice. There are those who say they forgive the betrayal but bring it up in every argument. It is not a statement repeatedly ignored but a way of living.

Forgiveness is Total

We’ve all heard people say, “I forgive you but I’ll never forget.” Is that total forgiveness? It is not when we consciously choose to keep the betrayal as a fresh memory which continues resentment. When we see another through the lens of resentment, it keeps us as a victim and we make the worst possible choices.

Another trap is conditional forgiveness. “I’ll forgive her if she apologizes. On its face it makes sense. Why should I forgive that person if she never apologizes?” Because forgiveness is not something we do for others. It is what we give to ourselves. By waiting for apology, we are held hostage to the very person who betrayed us in the first place.

“processing” by Rodrigo Vera is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Forgiveness is a Process

How do we do this when we do not feel like it? It takes time. We must have taken the time to reframe the experience looking at our responsibility and reframing our experience, Only then can we focus on how forgiveness is healthy for us and leads us to a happier life. It is what we want. Focus every morning not on the betrayal but on forgiveness.  “I want to forgive you” soon becomes “I will forgive you today.”

Move Forward

Once we are able to completely forgive, we gain the perspective to look past being victims. Finally, even though we have forgiven the betrayer, we must still decide if is this a person that we are going to let back into our life. We can open the door if we want to preserve the relationship and believe it is worthwhile.

Focus on the Positive

Shawn described “our single processor brain” which has limited resources to process the world. If we first scan for the negative, we have no resources left over to see the things for which we are grateful. But if we scan the world for the positive, we start to reap an amazing advantage. Our brains are more productive. Sales increase. Doctors diagnoses are significantly more accurate.  Given this research, it is critical to observe, reframe and learn not only for personal growth but as a core component of our personal happiness.

Make Conscious Decisions

But what if this person who has betrayed us shows no remorse, or repeatedly betrays us?  We do not have to let them in. We can consciously choose “no” to live a fuller life. Whether as a family member, ex-spouse or co-worker, we must choose carefully when and how we interact. In doing so, it is critical to communicate clearly and in writing (even by email or text). As we choose less interaction, we must still remain calm, respectful and empathetic rather than irritated, impatient and petty.

Sharing the betrayal with others is a toxic choice. I knew an attorney who told hilarious but demeaning stories of a judge even decades after he had died. With each story, he relived those betrayals which only fueled his bitterness and perpetuated his feeling of being victimized and helpless. Although the judge was long-dead, this lawyer chose to keep living in that judge’s courtroom.

In sum, we need to be fully aware of our feelings to reframing the betrayal experience taking responsibility and choosing total forgiveness. Only then can we change the experience of betrayal from a painful impediment to a catalyst for personal growth and happiness.